DEAR WHITE PEOPLE
dear white people,
if you're reading this, chances are you've just asked me "how are you?” and are a friend I trust.
In short, I'm really not okay right now. being asked how I am makes me uncomfortable because I'm not sure what is actually being asked, how much space I can take up, or how I am really even feeling rn, and the weight of having to repeatedly revisit that pain and confusion and do that labor is too much for me and actually makes me fall apart further. it doesn't feel like a safe question to answer in a time where I already feel unsafe and anxious for my family members and community.
whenever I see that question pop up, I either (1) have to lie and say "I'm fine" to not go into it (which is gaslighting myself, in a time where I already feel invisible and downplaying my existence), or (2) I ignore the message, unsure of what to say which keeps a tab open in my brain that drains my already low processing power, or (3) I hesitantly say "I'm not okay," which is the biggest risk of them all, because I don't know what parts of me are explicitly welcomed.
The same feelings exist when I read "let me know if there's anything I can do to support" or "do you need anything?" messages. as a first generation Asian-American, it is internalized deeply in my culture that I shouldn’t ask for help because it’s a sign of weakness. I have been working on unlearning this for years, but I haven’t accomplished that yet.
I would love to request that, moving forward, instead, you ask a more specific and thoughtful question and/or give direct offers.
by asking "how are you,” are you saying hello? are you trying to see if I've eaten? do you have personal news to share? are you wanting to check in on my mental health? if you're wanting to check in, what does this mean to you and how does it look?
I’ve curated some examples below, but feel free to Google things like “how to support someone grieving” or “how to support my [Black/Brown] friends.”
if you have a desire to support me, please share direct offers:
"I'm thinking of you. I'm available to send some pictures/videos my pet doing cute things or memes that make me think of you, make a quick video where I share my favorite things about you, or jump on a call where I can babble on about nothing and you can complete your chores and not feel like you have to fully engage."
"have you eaten? I'd like to send you/drop off some food."
"I'd like to send you something in the $x-y range that would spark some joy for you/make your life easier in some way."
"I found a blog/poem/IG account written by a [person who shares your intersectionalities/identity]. here it is!"
"I wanted to share that I'm open to scheduling a call where you can cry and vent about the unfairness of it all and I can hold space and validate you, but I'm running low on spoons today so it would have to be a different day if that sounds like something that would feel good to you. please let me know, and if it's a yes, I will check my availability and reach out to you as many times as you need to try to schedule."
"I know you're diving into connecting your heritage and ________. I found a _______ from an entrepreneur [who shares your intersectionalities/identity]! can I have your address to send to you?"
"I wanted to let you know I've been reading about the different ways racism against [Black/brown] folx presents itself, and I'm so sorry you've experienced this and I never knew. would you want to talk about it to me? as a white person, I know I'll never be able to understand, but it's important for me to try, to validate your experience and existence, and learn how I can do better."
"I'm taking a bystander intervention training, and thinking of you and your mom and I love both of y'all very much. I'm sharing it on my page and actively trying to get at least 5 other white friends to sign up with me."
"over the weekend I've got some extra time, so if you'd like me to research anything for you (like movies by Black/Brown artists) I'm open to doing that!"
this is meaningful to me and would support me rn. I believe in this and will be using this framework moving forward, as well.
please let me know any questions or comments you have (knowing it may take longer for me to reply as I grieve, unpack, and process a lifetime of complexity). also, reach out to your other [Black and/or Brown] friends.
Ily & appreciate you,
(Daughters of) Immigrants